


Memories of a Memoir

by Hadrian_Pendragons



Category: Bleach
Genre: Canon Divergence, Character Death, Day 1: Canon Divergence, Extended War on Aizen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Post-Winter War (Bleach), UraIchi Week 2019, Winter War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 07:29:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18889993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hadrian_Pendragons/pseuds/Hadrian_Pendragons
Summary: I don't want to see anyone else die.I don't want to die.It probably isn’t the best idea to be thinking about the future before the battle’s even begun… but I guess I’ve already proved how much of an idiot I really am.





	Memories of a Memoir

**Author's Note:**

> Let's see...  
> Warnings: Character Death, Angst, Uhhh...I Made My Beta Upset, it's Very Sad.
> 
> UraIchi Week 2019 Day 1: Canon Divergence

_Memories of a Memoir_

.

III

.

Karakura looked much the same as before that last fiasco.

There were no more craters littering the streets -a combination of Omni cleanup and wide spread memory wipes. The air was clearer, the oppressiveness he remembered from those last few months dissipated with time. He wondered how long that would last.

People would realize he was back eventually. He didn’t want to see anyone yet. Hell, he didn’t really want to see anyone at all.

His first stop was the cemetery.

It was depressingly empty. There weren’t even any lingering ghosts -not that he expected any ghost to hang around long, anyway. He could feel the shinigami around, but he wasn’t all that worried about them. No shinigami truly bothered to _look_ at the living.

He didn’t go to his mother’s grave. He planned to return later and talk to her properly, but there was someone else he wanted to visit.

The engraved name on the stone brought a long-held grief to his shoulders.

“Hi, Chad.”

.

II

.

_I’ve been in Hueco Mundo for… two months now? It’s kind of hard to tell with, y’know, no sun and all. I’m currently sitting in the fourth, with Hanataro staring me down from across the room. Urahara sent me here. I get why. I’m a nineteen-year-old kind-of-mostly human among century-old shinigami, fighting in a war against a shinigami-turned-traitor, in this dark deserted hellscape._

_What I don’t get is why I’m now apparently documenting it. I don’t really want to write this. But, surprisingly, Hanataro can be persuasive when he wants to be._

_…_

_Yeah, he’s still glaring at me. Guess I’ll just… keep writing._

_I didn’t get here until two months ago(?), true, but this has been going on a lot longer than two months. Since I was fifteen, actually. I don’t feel like describing everything that went down, so I’ll just write the gist of what happened:_

_I became a shinigami._

_Rescued a friend from Soul Society._

_Nearly got bisected by said shinigami-turned-traitor before he got away._

_And we all sat in wait after that -well, the shinigami did. I was usually taking care of one rebellion/revenge plot or another. They got kind of annoying after the third one, honestly._

_No one had heard from Aizen Sosuke until around two years after he disappeared. I was in my last year of high school. Things had calmed down, mostly -it was peaceful. No one to fight, no one invading the school for fun, no one trying to destroy the worlds._

_It didn’t last, though. It never does, in my experience. There’s always someone trying to take what doesn’t belong to them, always someone holding a grudge, always someone willing to go too far. Aizen is all that and more._

_Aizen attacked Karakura with no mercy._

_He wanted souls. He waited until all of us had relaxed, had become complacent, when there were no shinigami to speak of, besides myself, in town, and set a horde of hollows on us._

_It was… I- I don’t like remembering it. Help… came too late that day. I had fought one of those arrancar at the school (I hadn’t learned what they were called until later), tried to protect people by occupying him, by dragging another one into it, because I didn’t want the others to get overwhelmed. Not that I was any better off. There were several lower-class arrancar, and four numbered. I beat three of the arrancar and tried to take on a numbered before a senkaimon finally opened and the captains came._

_I didn’t know. I hadn’t tried learning much sensing at that point. I hadn’t_ known.

.

I

.

He gasped as the rush of hollow energy once again left his system. All at once, he felt himself slowing, his limbs weaken, his injuries throbbing, and _shit, had he been hit worse than he’d thought?_

The blue-haired guy laughed and let the blood on his hand drip away. Ichigo had scored a hit not long ago -but he knew that meant nothing to his opponent. The fight was dragging on, and he wasn’t getting any faster.

“Well, looks like you’re not all talk after all,” the blue haired man grinned, “but if that’s all you’ve got, I might as well just kill you!”

He disappeared, and Ichigo cursed, grasping for his mask and turning at the first sensation of displaced air, and managed to just barely avoid being skewered by a sword.

“Come on, just let me kill you already! I haven’t got all day!”

“And why would I let you,” Ichigo parried another attack, “do that!?”

A set of claws struck out at him, and he threw himself aside, falling out of the sky and gaining a bit of distance. No such luck, however -the man appeared right above him with a downward swing, and Ichigo was thrown into the ground, just barely missing slamming into a bus on his way. He heard a scream and glanced over to see several people hiding behind said bus. He almost thought they were looking at him- but no, they were cowering away from the crater he’d just made.

“The strong devour the weak,” he heard through the ringing in his ears, “that’s just the way of the world.”

The bus rocked, and he shoved himself up, knowing nothing good would come of this.

“No,” he choked, tightening his grip on his sword, “don’t you dare.”

The man grinned down at him with a bloodthirsty gaze, crouched above the trio of civilians, “The boss wants souls- but I don’t think he’ll mind missing a few.”

All at once, the man leapt. Ichigo screamed, not hearing if he was making words or illegible sound and threw himself forward, his mask settling across his face even without the prompting of his hand, but he was slow, he was _too slow-_

“Kurosaki!”

A wave of cold blasted over the street, followed by a slew of ice shards, driving the blue haired guy to dodge away and gain distance before he could even touch the civilians.

Ichigo stopped and turned, seeing the white of a captain’s robe flash beside him before speeding on ahead. Toshiro dragged the blue haired man away, and Ichigo held back a sigh of relief, his mask disappearing.

“Ichigo! Are you okay?” To his left was Matsumoto, and Ichigo felt some of the stress leave his shoulders.

“About time you guys showed up,” he shook off the after effects of losing his mask once again, standing a little taller in the presence of the other shinigami, “What exactly is going on, here?”

Matsumoto frowned, “It’s Aizen. We were dispatched as soon as we realized what was happening, but the twelfth couldn’t pick up the signals of so many high-level arrancar until just now. Sorry to leave you waiting.”

“Arrancar…?” he asked, but the time it took to make that little exchange had the sounds of battle calming, though he didn’t dare let his guard down.

Matsumoto brought a hand to her ear -had they always used earpieces? “Captain?”

She nodded twice, gave a verbal affirmative, and let her hand fall away, “They’ve retreated. The others should have found your friends by now, Ichigo. We’re planning to meet again at your school.”

“…Right,” he said, and she began a flash-step in the direction of the school. He glanced back at the humans beginning to stir away from the bus. Then he turned and followed.

The town was a wreck. Ichigo tried not to think about the crumbling buildings that had likely been bustling with people at the time of the attack. The school itself was empty, much to his relief. No one had lingered when a gaping hole had been ripped through the front of the building, and Ichigo was eternally grateful Ishida had acted fast and diverted the worst of it.

Ishida reappeared first, followed by Toshiro and Inoue.

Inoue collapsed immediately.

Ichigo moved to help her, but she just pulled away.

“Inoue…?”

_“I-I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t save him!”_

A piece of Ichigo’s world shattered.

.

III

.

An old friend was waiting for him outside the graveyard.

He really should’ve expected this. If anyone would track him down, it would be Uryu.

Ichigo didn’t look up. He stared pulled one hand out of his pocket and stared at every little incision and burn and scar he’d gained over those years on the battlefield. He… wasn’t sure what he should say.

He wasn’t sure what he _wanted_ to say.

Uryu sighed and Ichigo heard footsteps. A hand landed on his shoulder.

“It’s good to see you, Ichigo.”

Ichigo closed his fist and shoved his hand back in his pocket. He looked up, tired.

“It’s good to see you, too, Uryu.”

Then the grip on his shoulder tightened. “Where do you plan on staying?”

Ichigo blinked, “Uh…”

“As unprepared as always,” Uryu sighed. Ichigo scowled at him. “Come on, I’ve got a futon you can use at my place.”

Ichigo continued to glare, but followed his old friend, nonetheless. That was a familiar kind of insult, at least. It was somehow a comfort to know Uryu was still in there, after all that had happened.

 

.

II

.

_It’s cold out here._

_Aizen’s not letting up whatsoever. These hollows… they’re a million times more terrifying than any of the ones I’ve fought before. And that’s not counting the arrancar._

_Urahara doesn’t want me here. I told him I didn’t give a damn. It’s the front lines. Where else would I be?_

_It’s quiet for now. … that’s probably the worst. We’re all on edge. Waiting for something to come at us when we least expect it. We can’t be caught off guard again._

_…_

_The Twelfth dispatch with us was attacked yesterday. Hanataro died in the fight._

_His replacement doesn’t glare nearly as hard._

-

_Karakura was hit again._

_Two. Fucking. Months. Ago._

_Where have I been? Neck-deep in a swarm of modified menos, trying my damnedest to get a squad to fucking safety. Out scouting a new swatch of freezing desert for Aizen’s goddamn poison arrancar. Making sure Urahara didn’t die drowning himself in his experiments._

_Trying to keep Aizen_ out _of Karakura._

_I-_

_I can’t save everyone. **I can’t protect everyone.**_

_I know that. I_ know.

_…_

_Ishida joined us yesterday. He told me he made sure Inoue got a proper funeral._

.

I

.

“Kurosaki,” Ishida called. Ichigo kept staring out over the desert, back turned, wondering if he could set the sand on fire with just his glare.

Ishida didn’t leave. He sat down.

“It’s not your fault.”

Ichigo scowled, “I know that. This is a war and none of us are fucking _gods._ There wasn’t anything I could do.”

Ishida stared at him and huffed.

“Good to know you haven’t changed. Just let me get a piece of him before this is over.”

“No fucking promises,” Ichigo snarled.

Aizen would pay. Ichigo would make sure of it.

.

III

.

Uryu was gone long before daylight.

Ichigo put away the futon and grabbed the little belongings he carried with him and was gone by the time the sky started to turn pink.

This time his feet took him to the fenced-off edge of an abandoned part of town.

There had been a long list of casualties. He had known from Uryu what had happened, but it hadn’t been until after the war ended that he visited for the first time. The air was still as thick with power as it had been then.

He wrapped his fingers around the metal links in the fence and stared at the decrepit buildings, shattered glass, and fractured concrete that eventually gave way to flattened suburbs and a crater at the center.

A crater where the Kurosaki Clinic had once stood. Where Inoue had died and taken down one of the Espada with her.

He debated climbing the fence and heading there. He shook his head, let go, and backed away. He could sense the shinigami posted there. Hollows would surely be attracted to the place, and he didn’t want to be seen.

He turned away.

He froze.

Yuzu met his eyes with that same steel she’d used to tear into him back then, when he’d been wallowing in grief and rage.

She’d always been stronger than him.

“… Hey, Yuzu.”

She looked him up and down. Ichigo let his shoulders slump, suddenly far more tired than he should be this early in the morning. It had been far too long.

“I’m back.”

She smiled, “Welcome back, Ichi-nii.”

.

II

.

_Why am I never there when I should be?_

_Why am I so useless?_

**_Why?_ **

_…_

_I’m back in Seireitei. Kisuke demanded I get some leave. Now I know why he looked like he wanted to say something. Honestly, maybe he should have. Then I could’ve gone and killed the guy myself. Hearing it from Old man Yama didn’t exactly allow for that._

_Yuzu’s… in bad shape. She’s haggling the thirteenth for training. Dad just threw himself back into the thick of Hueco Mundo as soon as I got here. I’m locked up in the eleventh, wishing I had a swarm of hollows to fight. Instead I get a go at training recruits so that they don’t end up dead as soon as they’re out on the field._

_…_

_It doesn’t get any easier. Loosing people. It only becomes more distant as time passes. I don’t know who’ll make it past the next hour and who will be the next bloodstain in the sand. I can’t save them all. I know that. I know._

_I was naïve. I thought they would be safe when dad moved them here. I never let the thought of something taking them away cross my mind._

_A fucking mistake that was._

_It wasn’t a damn hollow. It wasn’t even the goddamn assassins I’ve been tossing around since I got back. It was some random shinigami with their head not on straight threatening a newbie, with Karin caught in the crossfire._

_If the guy hadn’t been sent to the front already, I’d rip his head off myself._

.

I

.

Ichigo stomped through the streets. He couldn’t sleep for the nightmares. He just wanted to be back in Hueco Mundo already, so he could take his frustrations out on something other than the rocks in Kisuke’s training grounds. He wanted to tear his way into Aizen’s fucking palace and tear the man to pieces-

“Ichi-nii!”

He stopped. Turned. Yuzu glared up at him. How long had she been calling him?

His hands were still shaking though. He didn’t trust his voice.

Grief flashed through her eyes, and he couldn’t quite hide the flinch. _I put that there. I didn’t keep them safe-_

“Don’t do that, Ichi-nii.”

He turned away, “Just go back to the compound, Yuzu.”

“Ichi-nii – _Ichigo!”_ She yelled as he tried to walk away.

“Yuzu, I’m fine, just let me—”

She got in front of him, and Ichigo fought not to shunpo away.

“Ichigo,” she said, and he winced at the use of his name, “she would never blame you. Neither of us would.”

He still couldn’t speak.

Yuzu reached out and took his hand, holding it in both of hers, “Ichigo, do you know what Karin told me, before we moved to Soul Society?”

He shook his head, hating how small he felt right now.

“She said, _Ichi-nii’s fighting. He might die, but he’s still out there, because he wants to keep people safe. That’s just who he is.”_ Yuzu’s voice cracked a bit, and her grip tightened. _“I’m not going to stand by and let him fight and die for me.”_

She let go of his hand and hugged him. He hugged her back, not realizing how wet his cheeks were.

“She wanted to get stronger so she could keep us and others safe, just like you do. She did that, even if it wasn’t against a hollow. I’m proud to call her my sister.”

She took a shaky breath and looked up at him with a smile, tears on her face, “So, so don’t blame yourself, okay?”

He inhaled, and smiled back, “Okay, Yuzu.”

.

III

.

That morning he spent with her and the dead. Mom, Chad, Inoue, Karin, every last person without a stone to mark them. They talked. Remembered. Caught up. She asked after his traveling. He asked after her schooling. She laughed when he told her the stories he’d gathered over the years. He hugged her tight when she told him she’d found someone. She shoved him when he said he’d better meet them.

“How long are you planning to stay?” Was the only question she’d asked nervously.

Ichigo shook his head, “I… don’t know. I’ve got something to take care of, but after that…” He shook his head, casting a glance in a direction he knew she’d recognize. “I don’t know what comes after that.”

There was silence. They simply listened to the bustle of the town, sipping on the drinks they’d ordered. Ichigo poked at the sandwich she’d pushed on him after hearing he hadn’t eaten yet. He couldn’t tell her he wasn’t hungry.

“I think,” she started, “I think it’s okay. To not know what comes next. But, Ichigo…” She looked him in the eye, “You can’t just run away.”

His breath caught, but he managed to huff a laugh, because of course she knew what exactly made him leave three years ago.

What brought him back.

“I know, Yuzu,” he said, and he truly thought he did this time. “I know.”

.

II

.

_There’s only a few more hours. A few more hours and we’ll either end this or die trying._

_…_

_I thought I was prepared for either. Once again, I prove myself wrong._

_If anyone dies here, it’s Aizen, and Aizen alone. I don’t want to think of the alternative._

_I don’t want to see anyone else die._

I _don’t want to die._

_I… I want to see Kisuke again. No matter what._

_It probably isn’t the best idea to be thinking about the future before the battle’s even begun… but I guess I’ve already proved how much of an idiot I really am._

.

I

.

Ichigo had him. He _had him right there, a Getsuga ready to tear the bastard’s head off-_

And then his world became pain, and he mourned a future he was sure he’d never see.

.

III

.

The Urahara Shoten was unsurprisingly untouched.

The wards had kept it hidden, protected the dusty old candy shop from any sort of vandalism.

Ichigo clutched the journal in his hand, the edges of it frayed and the cover scarred, as he stood outside the building. Yuzu had given it to him, had apparently held on to it for the years he’d been away, after he’d tossed it in the hopes of never seeing it again.

He inhaled and set his shoulders. He stepped inside.

It was dark. Lifeless. Despite that, the scent of tea and warmth lingered.

Ichigo wiped at his eyes and walked in further, to the back where the low table sat. Through the rooms of forgotten merchandise and experiments. He even descended the ladder to the training room, remembering his first real lesson in battle.

Finally, finally, he went back up and settled at the table, head in his hands, the silence too much. Too real. _Too final._

Shaking hands placed the journal on the counter. Flipped it open. His eyes followed the lines of writing, some calm and some shaky and some sharp and angry. Some of it he didn’t dare read. Some of it he read with nostalgia. If he closed his eyes, he could almost imagine he was back in that desert, but then he’d open them and remember where he was, and he’d flip another page.

Finally, finally, he reached the final entry. In a handwriting he’d always recognize better than his own.

.

II

.

_I’m going to make sure he dies. For you, Ichigo. Because you deserved that future._

_I wish I could have spent it with you, even though I don’t deserve you._

.

I

.

Ichigo had thought he’d died, then.

Everyone had.

But no, he’d been taken. Reported killed in action. Spent time in Aizen’s hands.

Until the man stopped coming back. Until he was found, rescued by those tasked with searching Las Noches.

But by then, the war was over. Aizen was dead. Kisuke had killed him.

At the cost of his own life.

.

III

.

Ichigo pulls a pen out of his pocket. He hovers over the page. He begins to write.

He tells Kisuke he’s sorry, for making him think Ichigo died. He tells him he doesn’t care what Kisuke thinks he deserves, Ichigo chose him, and no one else. He tells him where he’s been the last three years. How he was running. Running from the truth.

Kisuke ended the war, but he took Ichigo’s heart with him.

_I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to_ believe _it. I was alive, but you’d been dead for weeks at that point. I… wanted to run as far away as possible from the reality of it all. A war. A broken town. A future I didn’t want if I didn’t have you._

_But you’re not here, Kisuke. I know that._

_…_

_I’m going to move forward, from now on. I’ll quit running. I don’t know what or how, but I’ll start living. As much as that means coming from someone who fought too long for the afterlife._

_I don’t want to die just yet, Kisuke._

_I don’t want… to lose what little bit of you lingers with me._

 

**Author's Note:**

> III - Present Day  
> II - Journal Entry  
> I - Past/During the war.
> 
> Thank you for reading. Feel free to scream at me with sads in the comments.


End file.
